Chicken Sh*t

I'm 35 and single.  I know.  It's astonishing.  I find it quite odd myself. I definitely didn't still expect to be single at this point in my life, but I'm just going with it.  I'd be really concerned if I was totally ugly, but since I still look a few years younger than my actual age, I figure I have a couple more  New Year's Eves before the panic completely sets in and I have a major meltdown.

Last night at my sister's birthday party I had a disturbing experience.  My brother-in-law's Aunt Brenda totally interrogated me. I was saying something about my impending move and she interrupted me  and asked "Are you married?"  I smiled and replied, "No." She then asked "Have you ever been married?"  I raised one eyebrow and said "No, I haven't."  She then asked me  eagerly "Do you want to get married?"  I had no idea where she was going with this line of questioning, but I think she was trying to intimate that something was wrong with me.  I let it roll off of my back as I figured I was in better shape than her knocked-up unwed daughter who was also sitting at the table.  I then found an excuse to walk away.  It was best not to stay in too close of proximity to an easy target with my acid tongue.

As I drove home, one thing did sting though.  She got me thinking about the why.  Why aren't I married.? Hopefully it's not because I am 1) a total bitch 2) a total basketcase or 3) and total seahag.  I then realized something about myself; I am total moron when it comes to men.  Not in the "I have bad taste in men/only choose the unavailable types" kind of way.  I am a moron in the I have no idea how to flirt, nor do I know when I am being flirted with kind of way.  How can I progress in a relationship, when I don't even know how to handle the nascent stages of courting?  Case in point, my experience at California Chicken Cafe last week:

After a work event last week, I dropped off my favorite Gay, Kyle, at his house and was ready to head home myself, when I realized I was hungry.  Since I was in the area, I thought I'd treat myself to some California Chicken Cafe http://www.californiachickencafe.com/    It was about 8pm when I got there and it was packed.  As I walked up to the register there was a Dad with 2 kids gathering up his order.  He was clearly in over his head because his little girl was stomping around the restaurant shouting at the top of her lungs with her hands over her ears.  It was adorable. The Dad looked like he was on the vergeof a nervous breakdown.

After I placed my order I stood up against the wall of the restaurant near all of the other "to go" people.  About 30 seconds later, the overwhelmed Dad and his brood walked by me towards the exit.  The little gilr was still shouting.  When they left I looked at the guy standing next to me, and I said "That little girl was adorable."  he said "Yeah, but she knows it."  I responded, "Let her.  Hopefully she'll grow up with some self esteem rather than being some self-deprecating train wreck like the rest of us." (yes, I was projecting).  He agreed.

A minute later a guy stood be behind me and asked me if I was in line for the restroom.  I looked up and I realized that I was standing in front of the men's room.  I replied no and told him to help himself.  This is when the first guy looked up at me and just laughed.  Then this exchange happened:

Me: I hope I don't look like one of those skeevy girls that stakes out men's rooms.
Dude: I wouldn't worry about it.  Doesn't fit with your look.
Me: Good to know
Dude: Can I ask you, what is your ethnicity?
Me: (Surprised by the question) Um, I am your standard Caucasian Jew
Dude: Oh!
Me: Ok, what is your ethnicity? (mind you this was the first moment I noticed he was Hot)
Dude: I am half Jew and half black
Me: Well, the look works for you.  My name is Kerry by the way (as I extended my hand)
Dude: I'm Dax (shaking my hand)
Me: (Laughing) Of course it is.
Dax: What does that mean?
Me:  Well you have the cool look complete with the Elvis Costello glasses, so of course your name is Dax.  Next you'll tell me that you are a musician.
Dax: (Pregnant pause) I actually am a musician...and a film editor
Me: Oh my god! I so did not mean to stereotype you.
Dax: No worries.  So are you from around here?
Me: I grew up in LA and I work up the street in Westwood.  How about you?
Dax: I grew up not to far from here and still live in the area.  What do you do?
Me: I do marketing for an educational company
Dax:  That sounds cool.  What part of LA did you grow up in?
Me: I grew up in the Valley, in Gra...
Chicken Cafe Worker: Order number 96 is ready
Dax: That's me. Bye.

See in my head, all of that conversation was leading up to him asking for my phone number.  Instead, he took off like his shoes were on fire. Nope.Nothing. I soooooo didn't get that.

I called Kyle to ask him if I looked like a hot mess when I dropped him off or if I smelled bad or something.  He confirmed that I had my cute on.  So I told him the story and he just laughed and said "Yeah, I don't get straight guys either."

So apparently when I think I am being flirted with, I am just filling time in between chicken orders.  So much to the dismay of Aunt Brenda, it looks like I'll be single for at least a little while longer.